shit, christy, i''d have to go back to that year's journal and look at what was happening...i AM putting something together.i have three fires burning, but two don't need to be burning right now, this is the one i've been giving the big energy to. i wanted to see what people who read just one essay out of the bunch and what it made them think.
i have a new friend, he's 84 and one of the wisest people i've ever met. he's helping me alot acknowledge who i am, because when i'm completely naked and honest he tells me how beautiful i am. (ain't it just like a woman to have her vanity stroked to kick her ass into gear?!). no, it's honestly not like that. he just validates me in a way my father didn't very often and my grandfather did twice, the once when he took the nancy drew type fiction out of my hands at age nine and gave me jack london and right now i forget the other, but it's written down somwhere and Imporatnt.
i don't know...I don't want to be looked on as yet another victim anyfuckingmore. i just need to get it out of my system. let it go poison the person who made it happen, or better yet, let it drop into a chasm that opens into hell and then closes up...
my goal, is i've pulled all the good entries out of live journal and from my own personal diaries; i've copyrighted them already and i'm going to hone them down to a fine knife edge that andrew vaschss would be proud of and then I'm going to look for a publisher. they say women hit their stride in their fifties (that's not true looking at kathleen winter and others and look what gloria steinem was doing while I was attending highschool: i've got role models to help me out of the morass and i'm gonna make them my 'friends' in the midnight hours), but women like muriel rukizer who took something like 17 years off her writing to raise kids and then came back stronger than a whole hell of alot of men. this is my goal. it's time i blew my doors in for younger women, for women my age who can't voice what happened, for the boys who grew up always afraid and thus take it out on women, the all consuming icon of Mother.
i have alot more to say, but i'm holding off for now.
thanks for reading. it IS a book, and i hiope soon.
i've held it in check. it's brutal, it's ugly and it's frightening.
thank you thank you for being willing to accept what is. who's me. it's why all those parts of me you don't like.
i'm a fire engine siren inside. i'm going to open my mouth.
it's going to be LOUD.
what will be gratifying, what will make me know i'm on the right track,
is knowing what men think. and not men like nils or jake, who have been raised sensitized by the kind of mothers they have. i want to know what a man who was raised by june cleaver thinks. someone who, if he is in touch with his inner self, did it on his own. that's the final victory.
I am not sure that many of us have story-book perfect childhoods - but when I read of the sort of childhood you had all I can do is admire the way that you survived it, and be extremely grateful for reasonable chastisement when earned, a warm bed, and parents and grandparents whose behaviour was dependable.
I also fully understand the wish to remain in your own place - I travel only with some discomfort at leaving my own few square miles.
thanks, i'm hell for my husband who likes to travel by car to anywhere north but going east and west to get there. i love it too, but i'm a nervous wreck...
2007-08-14 07:35 pm (UTC)
stories in life & travel
hi bird. i finally have enough downtime to look here in livejournal again. how do you remember things so clearly? i guess that is the sign of a writer. i have to photograph to remember. do you think going over all this will help clear things for you? i know that with nightmares, if you say it outloud to someone else that the sharing helps it fade away in your mind - perhaps this will do the same for you. i think staying in the present is also another way - perhaps that's what meditation/praying is all about.
and by the way, you are lucky you came out of that trance of no emotion.
peace, love, hugs
2007-08-14 07:37 pm (UTC)
Re: stories in life & travel
uh, yeh, it's me - i forgot to login.
Oh, oh, oh. Wings of peace and comfort enfold you, soft lady arms tuck you loving and cozy into bed.
"Mick, you lied." - ???
i can't no, I can't no, I can't no no no, i can't no , i can't
get no sat-tis-fac-shun...oh no, i can't get no, no no no, I can't get no, no, no sat-tis-fac-shun...
i know you work in a forties club, and are younger than me, but the Rolling Stones ARE still touring, you little girl
Hey now, you have to admit that was mighty cryptic. I think of Sympathy For The Devil first when I think of the Stones, anyway.
pleased to meet you
hope you guessed my name
...and it's easily the best. In my opinion it makes up for Mick's hubris and grotesqueness. Plus all that excessive repetition.
Also, while I'm venting my opinion, I absolutely love and admire Charlie, even more now that I've read his Wiki article. I could see that secret behind his eyes when I first laid eyes on him, in a music video, yes, sorry, but again I've never been a Stoneser. With every glance he says "this is my day job."
You may know the story to this quote:
"Don't ever call me your drummer again. You're my fucking singer."
And that, my dear, is why one must never assign me a pigeonhole. I do not fit into single boxes or zodiac slices. Sorry.
Yipes, I read this over again and realized I sound a bit curt, which I didn't mean to do at all!! I don't know what it is about writing late at night, but I start sounding all hoity-toity. Sorry about that.
thanks, ya see, it just went into the essay. i got satisfaction over my mother by not screaming and moaning and crying out and it was a turning point in my life as a woman (at 15? i was bleeding...) of dignity. dignity is my most sought after human "emotion". emotion isn't the right word, but melissa will know the right one.
i think attribute might be right.
like when i was nine and the radios were all blarking(see footnote) "help me Rhonda" by the beach boys who I have always hated and even then i grokked it meant terrible things, if i was hearing the words right, "help me rhonda helphelp me rhonda, helpme get her out of my life, help me get this girl out of my life...' (paraphrase). man,i was nine and wanted to scream, 'you don't use one woman to get another one out of yr life, you creep!
footnote: "blarking: a combination between blaring and barking, made up by yrs truly.
aw, i wasn't puttin' ya down, honest...you are one of my heroines....i'm sorry ya took it that way, i was jockin' wich u, cuz yr my friend.
i'm not a stones fan, though at one time i was when i was 17 and i love stray cat blues, there was this girl, see, and she was to melt over...
tell me yr not mad at me...pretty please...
See the comment below yours, darlin'.
Er, I mean, see the comment above yours.
You are so beautiful, I know this is sudden, strange, I feel as though I've found a longtime friend --
In true awe, (see your footnote on your profile) of your eloquence, your incredible hold on truth, your braveness, I hope I can be as courageous as you, you solider of truth.
I am so grateful I can read you - Thank you.
[also, I'd like to add you to a filter I have, I know its early, but I feel like you ... get it.]
this is so scary it's beautiful and so beautiful, i'm scared. yes, iwill go to this plce you speak of,tho i might not know how to ue it it yet, i'm a techno-moron, but i too have a feeling, there's a connection that most people wouldn't want to even know about...i thank you for yr trust to give me a place in yr journal so soon.